Are you having some problems in the bedroom? Do you feel like you aren’t satisfying your girlfriend sexually, or that you’re becoming a little bored with your stagnant sex life?
Luckily for you, we spoke with clinical sexologist Dr. Kat about how you can look to rectify these problems. Dr. Kat has a long history of providing sex advice to couples, having appeared in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, the LA Times and more. During our chat with her, we got some expert advice on some of the most common sex issues that plague modern relationships. Check it out.
CRAVE ONLINE: What are some of the biggest issues couples have in the bedroom, and what is typically your advice for resolving those issues?
DR. KAT: Many couples experience differences in desire. I tend to take a holistic approach in helping the couples resolve their issues. Once any medical or psychological issues have been ruled out, I often advise heterosexual couples to allow the woman to lead the rhythm of foreplay. Men and women are different in that men are often quick to arouse, while women require the right physical stimulation to become aroused. It is usually a process of discovery with each couple in what is a healthy new pattern of arousal.
You typically hear of men being much more “into” the idea of a threesome than women. How do you think a man should approach his partner if this is something he wishes to explore?
Delving in and sharing your sexual fantasies can be a great way to turn up the heat in a relationship. A very common fantasy is of a threesome. Men can feel their partners out during sex by vocalizing how hot he thinks it is during sex (using it as a bit of dirty talk) or using adult video can be a way to introduce threesomes into the relationships. Establishing good communication, a level of trust and dealing with jealousy issues head-on can help to make a threesome to happen.
What are some of the most common sex myths that you find yourself frequently dispelling?
That it takes a woman longer to orgasm than a man. If a woman is fully aroused and she is receiving the right stimulation, she can orgasm just as quickly as any man.
Apps such as Snapchat now allow people to send each other sexually explicit images of themselves, but we’ve discovered that often comes at a price, what with these photographs then being passed around unbeknownst to the sender. What would be your advice to people sending these sorts of messages, and people who have been requested to send these messages?
This has become a very common issue. Generally, I try to get people to listen to their intuition about such things. Most people know what level of exposure they are comfortable with. It may be just pictures of anonymous body parts or being partially dressed. The important thing is to make the decision to send such photos while sober. Being under the influence can cause anyone to make a mistake and show too much.
What are some common sexual complaints women make about men?
The two most common complaints I get have to do with frequency of sex and length of foreplay. Many women just don’t have the sex drive men do and therefore rely on physical stimulation to become aroused. In addition, if more men put additional time into foreplay, they would probably find that their partners desire sex more often.
What is the key to spicing up a couple’s sexual relationship?
Becoming an opportunist when it comes to sex. In my book, The Married Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide to Saving Your Sex Life, I discuss not relying on scheduled sex but to prioritize sex by fitting it in whenever possible. Whether it is a quickie in the shower or some mutual masturbation in the car before you go in the house post errand running. I’ve found that the more couples can be physically intimate, even if it is just being affectionate, the more sex the couple will have.
How should a man go about proposing a sexual fantasy of his to his partner?
I would reiterate what I mentioned in the question about how to make a threesome happen. The dynamic is almost exactly the same, except rather than jealousy, the discussion of what his partner’s fears are about engaging in his specific fantasy would be more addressed.
What are some aspects of sex that men don’t tend to focus upon, but they really should (i.e. foreplay stuff)?
Yes, foreplay but really physical stimulation over all — hand holding, caressing her neck while watching a movie, etc. All of those behaviors pay off in other ways during sex. If a woman feels safe and appreciated she is more likely to have sex.
How often should a couple have sex for their sexual relationship to be deemed healthy?
It’s not about a specific number. It can vary widely from couple to couple depending on their libidos and lifestyle. Prioritizing sex as a fundamental part of your relationship is probably the most important aspect. If you are prioritizing it as a couple, then that is a good indicator of a healthy relationship.
What advice would you give to a couple who simply aren’t having sex?
Some couples are perfectly happy in a companionate relationship. I’m not going to tell them they need to have sex, but if one partner of the couple would like more sex than it is an issue the couple should examine. There are always ebbs and flows in long-term relationship sex. I would advise them to look at their lifestyle, their self-talk, and arousal patterns if they want to work on the issue. Couples should know that most cases lacking sex within the relationship are totally surmountable. So they don’t need to judge themselves or become overwhelmed that their sex life isn’t what it should be.
Dr. Kat Van Kirk is a clinical sexologist, host and author and she is the resident expert at AdamandEve.com. Find out more at drkat.com.
Photo: Getty Images
