Photo: Highwaystarz-Photography (Getty)
You love your mom. Sheâs a wonderful woman that brought you into the world and cared for you unconditionally with more love than youâll ever receive in your life. However, she can also drive you completely insane when you come home for the holidays. To prepare you for what youâre about to experience here are 12 things your mom is going to say while youâre home for Christmas.
1. Someone you donât know found out they have cancer.
Itâs not that you donât care about a person finding out they have cancer, itâs just that you donât have an immediate kneejerk reaction when you have no idea who the person is. Sheâll explain that you should be ashamed of yourself because Helen Thompson was the librarianâs assistant at your school in 2nd grade and one time she helped you find a Judy Blume book, so you should definitely remember her.
2. Two people you donât know got a divorce.
Even better than the sickness of a random stranger is your lack of sadness in finding out that two people who you never met that go to her church from time to time are getting a divorce. What are you supposed to do with this information? I truly donât know, but if you donât act sad sheâll suggest that you arenât very compassionate anymore. So sorry for your divorce, Rick and Pamela?
3. The computer isnât working
If you ask her whatâs wrong sheâll just say, âI donât know itâs just not working.â You could ask your dad but heâll just groan and shrug. They either unplugged the monitor and you can fix it in two seconds or they did something so confusing and utterly devastating that the ghost of Steve Jobs couldnât even comprehend what has happened.
4. Her smartphone also isnât working anymore.
Why did you get her an iPhone for her birthday? You know plain and well sheâs just going to get frustrated and go back to her Nokia flip phone. She doesnât need Shazam or Spotify. Let her live her life.
5. You need to get a haircut.
Unless your sideburns are as short as Don Mattingly in that Simpsonsâ episode, your mom is going to complain about the length of your hair. Every mom wants you to look like you just enlisted in basic training. Shaggy hair is mom kryptonite.
6. Whatever happened to (an ex you broke up with two years ago)?
This one is particularly wonderful when she brings it up in front of your current girlfriend or boyfriend. Itâs basically your mom sizing up your new love interest, not approving, then peeing on you to mark her territory. If youâre really lucky sheâll still have an 8Ă10 of you and your ex hanging in the dining room so you guys can stare at it through the entire meal.
7. She had an uninteresting encounter with a cashier at CVS and sheâs going to tell you about it for 20 minutes.
What basically happened was the cashier pressed the credit button instead of the debit button and she had to do the transaction all over, but to your mom itâs the next great American novel and youâll get every excruciating detail of her paper towel and aluminum foil purchase.
8. She ignored all of your movie recommendations and watched something terrible instead.
Youâve recommended at least 50 wonderful movies you know she and your father would love, but did they watch them? Of course not. Instead they went to Red Box and rented a romantic comedy starring Jim Caviezel. Not even Jim Caviezelâs family saw it, but rest assured your parents did. She still hasnât seen Gladiator, but sheâs all on that Red Box Jim Caviezel list.
9. She heard about something questionable on your Facebook.
She doesnât have a Facebook, but your stupid Aunt Katherine mentioned to her that there was a photo you were tagged in where it looked like you had been drinking. Were you drinking and driving? Do you think thatâs cool? Why are you bragging online about doing something illegal? What kind of friends do you have on there that think this is cool? (You werenât drunk, you just blinked during the picture, but sheâll never believe that.)
10. Sheâs thinking about making a Facebook of her own.
Pray this never happens. Pray.
11. Hereâs why your racist uncle isnât really racist.
You all know your Uncle Chris is insanely racist. He doesnât try to hide it at all. Heâs the worst. But heâs family and therefore your mom will defend him until the day he dies. He could burn a cross in the yard and wear a white hood to dinner and your mom would still say, âWell thatâs just how he is.â
12. You need to call your grandma.
How often are you calling your grandparents? Itâs not enough. Even if your grandma hated you and was mean to you your whole life, your mom will still insist that âsheâs just oldâ and you need to spend more time with her. Now you know where your racist Uncle Chris got it from. Just call her and get it over with. And if you forget just tell your mom your grandmaâs getting old and forgetful. You wonât feel good inside but at least she wonât be mad at you.
