8 Things NOT to Say to Girls
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#1: Are You On Your Period?
Even though you have a sneaking suspicion that the hour-long argument you've just engaged in with her about who left the milk out of the refrigerator might have something to do with it being "that time of the month," you should never verbally express your thoughts because you have a penis and you'll never understand the pain of menstrual cramps. I imagine it to be a feeling similar to being kicked in the testes whilst simultaneously shitting yourself. Not that I've experienced that feeling.
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#2: You Sound Just Like My Mom.
Weird, incestuous connations aside, informing your girlfriend that she sounds like your dear old mother is exactly the same as informing your girlfriend that she's an insufferable old witch with areolas that touch her toenails.
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#3: Make Me a Sandwich.
There was a time when women would laugh at the relentless barrage of faux-sexist sandwich and kitchen jokes. That time was 2010.
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#4: Can We Go Back to Your Place?
A question which could easily be followed with "because my girlfriend/my mom/a dead prostitute is at my house."
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#5: I've Taken My Ex-Girlfriend Here Before.
If it isn't immediately apparent to you that drawing comparisons between your current girlfriend and your previous girlfriend isn't something you should be doing in front of said current girlfriend, then let me be the first to tell you that it definitely isn't something that you should be doing.
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#6: Want a Ride?
Some men are, unfortunately, not blessed with the gift of self-awareness. For instance, a man pulling his car over to the side of the road in order to ask a pretty pedestrian if she would like a ride is, to most rational people, a bit strange. However, to those men who see this gesture as harmless as offering a girl a drink at a bar, you should probably consider that you look like a rapist. That chloroform in your glove compartment doesn't help, either.
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#7: Your Boobs Have Gotten Bigger.
Men oftentimes equate compliments they enjoy receiving to compliments they believe women enjoy receiving, meaning that when they say that a woman's boobs have grown bigger, they expect her to have the same reaction as they would if they were informed that they have a sizeable penis. However, as a woman's breasts typically grow bigger as a result of weight gain, their period or pregnancy, it probably isn't best that you comment on their size, nor should you motorboat them and/or use them as makeshift bongo drums.
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#8: Hi, I've Tried Calling You Seven Times, But You Didn't Pick Up. D'ya Still Want to Go on That Date?
"It's his desperation and lack of any discernible form of sex life that turns me on" - No woman ever.
