Is there a non-shitty way to tell someone in a relationship that they should see other people, namely me? I have a friend Iâve had feelings for many years now and we kind of addressed this once beforeâshe was in a failing marriage then and I told her how I felt, and she jumped out of that swift divorce into the relationship sheâs in now.
After she and I didnât really talk for a time, we became friends again. Sheâs plainly stated her current relationship has a shelf life. Iâm sure she knows the feelings are still there and third party observers tell me sheâs clearly interested in me (body language, possessive behavior when other women join our conversations). So how do I address this with her?
Sincerely,Â
Sick of Waiting
Dear Sick:
Sheâs not into you. She is into your attention, your obvious adoration of her, and probably praise you either heap on her or convey through actions. Or she simply enjoys being your friend. Or sheâs just being polite. I donât know. But sheâs not into you romantically. If she were, sheâd try to have something real with you. And whether third party observers are telling the truth or telling you what you want to hear, it doesnât matter. It really doesnât matter unless she goes for it.
And plenty of women can get territorial about men even if we donât want to fuck them, just because thatâs what weâre taught from the jump. Witness women who get pissed when their gay guy friends hang out with other women. Weâre taught that to possess a man or to âtameâ him or whatever makes us more powerful and better people. Itâs gross, I know. I really hope that if I have a daughter or niece, I can teach her differently. Iâve had to work on unlearning that shit myself. Deprogramming unhealthy orders from the dominant culture is a whole thing, and thatâs a story for another column.
Now, Iâm not saying this lady isnât sexually attracted to you. Iâm not saying she hasnât considered dating you. What Iâm saying is, all that you offer at present is not something she wants. And it wasnât something she wanted in the past. She wants to be with the man sheâs with at present, and her reasons are her own. Once I had a shot at being with an awesome guy, but I fucked it up. Want to know why? Because I was addicted to a dramatic dance with a shithead. Iâve known plenty of folks of all genders who made the same mistake. I canât say if itâs the mistake sheâs making at present, just offering it up as an option to you.
And trust me, Iâve been where you are. Iâve had feelings for guys with girlfriends, for married guys, for single guys who just wanted to be my buddy. When I really am delighted with their friendship and donât need something romantic in order to be happy, I stick with it. But when I really want to be with them and canât for whatever reason, I know now that itâs important for me to back off â because hanging around and waiting makes me miserable. And it certainly doesnât make me sexy or attractive. In addition, itâs kind of shitty to their partner â but since youâve got to put on your own oxygen mask first and all that, I want you to realize that itâs shitty to you.
You can decide youâre great for her, but thatâs a fantasy unless she wants it. And itâs entirely up to her at this point. If she doesnât want to date you, youâd be better off being alone and focusing on yourself so that you can move on and be with someone who is really open to you, and vice versa.
If you want some closure with this, tell her frankly that youâre still interested in her and you want to know if she has any feelings for you. Let her know that if she does, thatâs awesome. And tell her that if she doesnât, thatâs okay â you respect her and care about her regardless, but youâll likely be a little distant just to re-establish appropriate boundaries and so that you can focus on seeing other people.
And she just got divorced and sheâs on the rebound, dude. Give the gal a break. Sheâs been through it. Go do you. Youâve probably got a lot to offer the world in general and your friends and loved ones in particular. Take good care of yourself and somebody will see that youâre the one for them. Maybe itâll be her! Maybe not. But it may be time to kindly detach from the friendship a little (not dramatically, thereâs no need for that) in order to open space in your life for someone truly great to move in.
If you have a question and need some advice, email Sara at [email protected]
