Photo: Universal Pictures
So you’re thinking of getting some work done, are you? Well, men crazy enough to think that’s a good idea for you, your body and your fragile feelings, and if you’re having anxiety, we’ve got some news for you right here that might sway your sick mind.
A survey performed by Zensa Skincare using Amazon Mechanical Turk tells us everything we’ve wanted to know about waxing, bodywork and other embarrassing things we’re terrified to ask about ourselves. From the most fulfilling and most painful to the least appealing and biggest regrets, we’ve got the skinny on men who went off the deep end and did a nose dive into scrotal and eyebrow waxing, botox and tattoos. They also included people who did juice cleanses (i.e. the pussies of the group).
So men, if you’re thinking of getting any waxing or bodywork done, you might want to consider some hard-learned lessons from the fantastic statistics below. See you in the showers. I’ll be the guy pointing and laughing at your glorious, shining taint.
Hey Men, If You’re Thinking Of Getting Any Waxing Or Body Work Done, We’ve Got News For You
Oh, you like that? The definitely try: These Ultra Hip Adult Sex-Ed Classes Will Teach You All the Things You’re Afraid to Ask Your Girl About the Female Body
Wax On
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Ranking the 5 Most Painful Procedures
Ranked in order of how painful they were to have done, participants claim scrotal waxing to be the worst, followed swiftly but strangely by tattoos and then nose jobs. Arm and leg waxing follow.
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How Many Say It's Worth It
Only 38 percent of men say having their balls polished was worth it. That's barely more than one-third. Live and learn, I guess.
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Scrotal Waxing Is Strangely More Preferred Than...
What's nuts (pun definitely intended) is that men would prefer having the hair ripped from their testicles than getting punched, spraining an ankle and throwing out their back. Clearly, they've never thrown their back out.
That shit is fierce and takes like a week just to get up from.
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The Only Things More Painful
Meanwhile, men who have had tape torn from their taints claim the only things more painful than that is getting hit in the groin, breaking a bone, passing kidney stones and second-degree burns. That sounds about right, although we might take the nut punch over waxing if we were getting something out of it.
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The Most Fulfilling
Tattoos and juice cleanses rank as the most fulfilling cosmetic procedures and treatments a man can endure. One seems much more painful than the other here, and it's juicing. Where is the bloody meat on these little green things?
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The Least Painful
Well, this survey seems to disagree with me there, as they voted juicing the least painful. They're probably fat vegans.
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What About Tattoos?
Yes, what about tattoos? Nearly everyone who gets one (87 percent) says it's worth it. The others who disagree must've gotten really regrettable political tattoos.
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Eyebrows: Waxing VS Plucking
Men claim plucking eyebrows is more fulfilling than having them waxed. Of course, it has the same excitement as popping pimples, plus they don't have to look like drag queens after. Not that there's anything wrong with that. "A person's sexual preference is nobody's business but their own."
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And Botox?
Finally, just under half of people surveyed said getting botox was worth the pain. I can think of plenty of other things I'd rather have shoved in my face, starting with a little In-N-Out (or a lot, preferably).
