Iron Man vs. 10 Other Iron Things
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10. Iron and Wine
Ah the soft and tranquil melodies of Iron and Wine. Sam Beam and his insightful lyrics, melancholy guitar lines and affinity for seventies pop are hard to resist. Tony Stark might be lulled into a defenseless bliss by the moody tunes. However, Sam Beam does come armed only with his wits and a downtrodden look at relationships, love and life. Iron Man has fucking blasters, sonic repellants and all kinds of weaponized goodness. Sam Beam might have played his last sorrowful note if he decides to step up to our man Iron Man.
Decision: Iron Man
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9. Iron Mike Tyson
The master of the right hook taking on Tony Stark would be a solid battle. Stark might pull out his lasers and torpedoes, but how much damage could a concussion blast really do to Tyson? Hand to hand combat might prove an unfair winner, as Stark could not match Tyson in fisticuffs. Of course, punching armor sucks. There’s also the fact that Stark’s armor hides his ears, so Tyson would have nothing to bite. Still, Tyson is from the streets and knows how to win. My guess is he’d catch Stark sans armor and punch him into oblivion. Mike is also shit nuts, lets not forget about that.
Decision: Iron Mike Tyson
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8. Iron Monkey
First off, I’m talking the 1977 film with Chen Kuan Tai as the title character. I wanted to be clear on that. This would be a no brainer. The Monkey Fist style is unbeatable unless Tony Stark happens to know Eagle’s Claw, which I doubt. The Iron Monkey is too quick, too aggressive and just too damn awesome. After all, he alone takes out the Trader General and all of his men before they can touch the Shaolin Temple. Stark can throw all the technology he wants to at Iron Monkey, but it will be to no avail. Few can top a man trained by the Bitter Monk.
Decision: Iron Monkey
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7. Iron Eagle
We’ve seen Iron Man take on the destructive power of the armed forces. In the first film, our hero is quick to take out an enemy tank. Taking on a United States fighter jet would be nothing. Fire your missiles, Iron Man simply laughs. Rapid-fire machine guns? I see nothing but quick dodges and badass return fire. The only variable here is Louis Gossett Jr. Can Tony Stark eliminate the eighties-style LGJ backed by a troubled teenager with a natural born ability to fly? It might be tough, but at the end of the day, I’d tip the hat to Iron Man
Decision: Iron Man
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6. Iron Lung
Not sure there would be a battle here as both Iron Man’s armor and the Iron Lung are born of the desire to keep folks alive. I’m guessing the battle would come down to comfort. The Iron Man armor might be clunky, but it’s cool looking and jam packed with weapons. The Iron Lung is just a big machine you lay in and wait to die. If I had to be in one of them, I’d choose cool armor any day.
Decision: Iron Man
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5. The Iron Giant
This would depend greatly on where the battle takes place. The Iron Giant, a wonderful hero from the 1999 animated film, eats iron and attempts to destroy anything he thinks is a weapon. His natural inclination would be to take Iron Man out at the neck. Iron Giant is also a self-repairing robot and, y’know, a giant. If brought into the real world, the constant bombardment of weaponry from Iron Man might topple the impressive robot. However, in the animated film, there is no contest. Marvel has been unable to make an animated Iron Man film that doesn’t suck, so Iron Giant would make quick work of Stark. Nobody has an edge here.
Decision: Draw
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4. Iron Shiek
Yes, he was WWF champion, but for only four weeks. Losing the title to a douche like Hulk Hogan doesn’t help Iron Sheik’s chances against Iron Man. If Tony Stark was stupid enough to remove the armor and wrestle the Sheik, that could lead to trouble. Stark’s too smart, so Sheik would only have the Boston Crab, the Camel Clutch and the Iranian Drop to help him against Iron Man level weaponry. Granted, Nikolai Volkoff and Classy Freddie Blassie would have the Sheik’s back, but still, if they couldn’t stop Sgt. Slaughter, how could they stop Iron Man?
Decision: Iron Man
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3. "Iron Man"
If we’re talking original Ozzy Black Sabbath and not this piss poor reunion bullshit, Iron Man the character would have no chance. This is seventies-era Ozzy, Geezer, Tony and Bill. Together, they form into the original Iron Man, an entity who travels time hell bent on revenge. Iron Man might try and forward attack, but the opening guitar strike from Iommi would crush his communication systems. Then comes the groove, sending Iron Man reeling. Caught in a rock vortex, the bass of Geezer and drums of Ward shatter the armor and leave Stark naked and prone to Ozzy’s voice. On the other hand, Ozzy and Stark might just get drunk together.
Decision: Iron Man
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2. Iron Chef
Iron Man is but one, Iron Chef is many. Combine the original Japanese chefs with the American version and you have a culinary army that could Ginsu right through Stark. True, a blender and lemon zester can’t stop repulsor blasts, but these Iron Chefs have other weapons. They could hide out and cook scrumptious meals while leaving Tony Stark to starve to death in his suit. Iron Chefs might also confuse and confound Tony Stark with their many uses for kale and barramundi. In the end, I’m guessing Tony Stark would simply invest money in restaurants for all the chefs and rake in the bucks.
Decision: Draw
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1. Iron Maiden
Seriously? This is Iron Maiden we’re talking about. Iron Man can’t battle a God, and Steve Harris is a God. Perhaps if the bass and songwriting skills of Harris were put up against Thor, a real battle would ensue. Against Iron Man? HA! Harris would simply put his leg upon the speaker monitor and fire out Rock Godness from every pore.
Decision: Iron Maiden
Wow, a split down the middle. Five wins for Iron Man, though there were two draws in there. I guess Iron Man is a worthy foe, if not unstoppable.
